someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
