So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
