I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
