I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
