I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't deserve a penis
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
