this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
