dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
