I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
