you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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