His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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