PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
