If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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