Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Congratulations! We have a period
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