I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
