theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
