He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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