So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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