mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
