Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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