Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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