I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
