We named our party play list daddy issues
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
