Do you still have your period?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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