Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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