rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
whose parrot is this?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
