i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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