Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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