she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
