he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
