If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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