Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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