dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
