get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you didnt know i had herpes?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
