My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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