I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
