I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
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