and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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