whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
