were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
