"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
