I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
