I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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