Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Of course I have a pirate flag
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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