Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
