just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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