We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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