I accidentally had phone sex last night
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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