The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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