My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
