he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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