Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
