I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
