Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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