When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
