you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
