Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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