Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize